In high school and college, I used to write little posts. I figured I would start sharing my old scribbles. Some of them still have application years later.
June 14, 2009 – Look After You
“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters”
I was rereading some of my old journal entries this past week. It was hard to grasp what I’d written. I’d even stop at the end of a sentence and go back to the beginning, wondering, hoping, that I had misunderstood my own words. That I had not let myself be so open. Be so used. So undeserving. Worthless.
I would hold on to the deceitful, touching moments and allow the clear black and white to be swallowed into grey. Into something that wouldn’t resemble a life lived in craving attention from those who don’t care to give it back or a life not congested with lies, tears, and disappointment.
“Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.”
Sadly, it’s all I ever did. And a piece of me wishes I could erase my name from the cover and have another take its place. I don’t regret what I have allowed to happen in my life, but I do apologize for emotionally stabbing myself in the back and pulling out the rug from under my incredibly fragile stance. I am so sorry.
In the end though, tragedy and acceptance of things of the past only breeds revelation and an embarkment for change.
I pray each night to will up the power to put myself first, to guard myself from shedding someone of pain to only clout myself in its remains. I would pretend I was strong enough, and rare enough, to not allow the weight of others destructive ways and selfish notions to crumble my own spirits.
“When I give, I give myself”- Walt Whitman
It’s not a dishonorable trait, but a vulnerable one. I will always be that person who would drop everything if someone I loved needed an outstretched hand or an earnest ear to comfort their confusion, but…
I must promise myself to never drop everything if someone I loved was only needing an outstretched hand or an earnest ear if their own actions were a conscious blow against my own feelings or if their active intentions could only bury me in grief from their selfish desires.
I also had a hard time staying mad at those I craved attention from. That only made the journal entries even harder to swallow. I ended up only mad at myself.
I owe it to myself, as everyone else does, to be good-hearted and caring, but also an example of sincerity, even if it means turning someone away. You can’t always be available or be able to cater to everyone, especially when you are never there for yourself.
Love you, look out for you, take care of you, because you are useless, and feel useless, otherwise.
Remember dreamers, you are just as important as those around you. Heal yourself.
Love, B.R. Wren