I wrote this two years ago. I had only known my husband for one month.
Love is all around you.
The Mathematics of Love — Dec. 31st, 2012
There are many people in the world who have never experienced love. They either don’t open to it, are blind to it, or don’t believe in it altogether. I, on the other hand, have been blessed with more love than I know what to do with these past few years. I had no idea where I was supposed to end up or what I was supposed to do with my little life. I knew I had the potential to touch the world (and hope to do so one day) but I never knew that these past 3 years would bring the world to me. I have met so many people and experienced so much that I feel the possibilities are endless.
However, one possibility inside those vast possibilities is the possibility of love. I want to share so much of it with the world i’ve been shown but, deep down, it’s sometimes too much love. Selfish love. To know you have the ability to hurt people with this irreversible love you have and are happy to give.
There are so many different kinds of love in this world though. It’s never the same love twice.
I once loved someone who tore me apart. He was a canvas, a colorful mess of images with these light brown eyes that sucked me in. I fought for a year to keep us together. I fought for all of the good memories; the one where we’d always stand in line at Panera Bread and gluttonously choose our pastries for the morning; the one where we slept together so soundly on his couch for hours every weekend; and the one where we laughed in my car in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru knowing full well that our usual spastic server was taking our order. But, we were toxic, a couple made of oil and vinegar trying to mix. Despite this fact, he taught me something– that I could survive a passionate flame even if it burnt.
After being separated for almost a year, I had a conversation with him one night.
“We used to yell at each other all the time,” I joked.
I figured he would have retorted with some jokingly sinister response. He didn’t.
“You yelled because you cared. That’s what I loved about you.“
It may have been a mad and detrimental love, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It broke me in a way I needed to be broken.
Then I met a boy that glued me back together again. I grew a fin, went and worked in the middle of the ocean, and found myself in the arms of a blue eyed drummer who had words of medicine to heal my broken heart.
We spent so much time together. It was like being in a whole different world than my past love. However, when he had to leave our ship, it was like I was being thrown into a deep end. I had to learn how to swim alone. And even though it hurt for awhile, I realized he had left my fins still operating, my heart still beating intact.
And even though we aren’t together anymore and my heart sees him in a different light, I still find him to be a dear and personal friend who can always warm my heart and remind me that love doesn’t have to die even when two people aren’t meant to be together. His friendship, along with his loving care once upon a time on our old ship, has opened me up for the better. I’m even blessed to tangibly have him in my life once again aboard my new ship. He’s just a few doors away, a close knock whenever i need a good listener.
Then, I met a third kind of love on land. I turned in my sea legs for a few months and, one fateful night, I met a boy I was never supposed to meet.
He was very unexpected. I remember the first moment I saw him. I wasn’t even supposed to realize he existed. I was meant to fall for his best friend. I can’t even remember what his best friend wore that night, but I sure remember what he was wearing. I can’t even pinpoint what drew me to him. I just was. But after speaking to him and getting to know him, there were so many reasons he had me hooked. He has a laugh that I fell for every time it left his lungs. He isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and works his tail off on his ranch with his grandfather. He’s so humble and girls who are too plastic and vain look him over not even realizing what they are missing. His heart is made of gold, a lover not a fighter, yet he could protect you with the snap of a finger. The best part, the part that never leaves me, is how at home I felt with him. He has two dogs that love him and that he loves more than life itself and it’s endearing to watch them go on together throughout the day. People may see his life as simple, but I see such beauty in it. To be able to drive down a road, hair whipping behind you, with no care at all as you pass by some of the most beautiful trees and countryside. A part of me misses it. It was so short lived. We never got long enough to see what could have been but he was ever so kind to me and I hope he gets everything he wants this year.
Today, I am faced with a very new kind of love. At first, I didn’t see it all. I was very scared to see it. I was confused and didn’t feel quite like myself when I met him. I remember someone describing him to me before I met him and I knew from the start: Trouble was coming on board. Little did I know just how much.
He’s a boy who takes as many photos as I do, who is nerdy in all the right ways, who can make me smile sitting all the way across the room. A boy who can quickly kiss my forehead backstage before I have to scamper back on stage. A boy with so much love for his family he had his mother’s and father’s hands tattooed onto his forearms. A boy who painfully loves to wear tye dye and crocs yet I would take that over any yuppie in an expensive polo and sperrys any day. A boy who racked his brain to figure out what was the first day we kissed so we could celebrate our one month together. A boy I just can’t stop kissing. A boy who reminds me everyday how beautiful he thinks I am when I feel anything but. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you are always on someone’s mind and that they would do anything to make sure you’re safe. A boy who rubs my back in hopes of soothing my constantly irritated skin. A boy that I can stare at for ages as we lie in bed listening to silence. A boy who can turn my bad mood into nothing but a smile. A boy who makes me happy.
Happy. Loopy, adorably embarrassing, can’t stop grinning, you-want-to-vomit, makes me feel like i’m the only girl, HAPPY. And we can be undeniably weird with each other. Just madly queer. I look forward to it all.
I’m very thankful he stuck around for me while I had my thoughts all tied in a knot. He watched patiently as I unraveled them one by one. He’s says he’s the lucky one, but I think I truly am.
And people may have their timeframes on our relationship and find us to be bogusly happy, clouted by ship life, but I couldn’t be less bothered by it. I’m going to enjoy our relationship until it’s meant to end, whether it’s tomorrow or never. I’m hoping for the latter.
You see, so much love. So many different kinds. Kinds that can hurt you and undress you, kinds that are there to build you back up, kinds that are like a fantastic whirlwind, and kinds that are new, fresh, and filled with hope. I’m grateful for each one, especially the one I had find me today.
And before I sign off, love isn’t just about the opposite sex. I have met some wonderful women in my life that I love in so many different ways. There is my mother who I can’t imagine life without, my girl friends growing up who shared in favorite TV shows, high school traditions, and crazy dance performances. There are my university girls, ones that shared in classes, ones that shared in a dance floor, ones that partied the night away with me, ones that stood for a cause, and ones that were unforgettable roommates. They are all a mountain of support and I miss them all. They are always a phone call away.
Here’s to 2013 and all the love it has to bring. Xx .
It has been such a true joy to begin living out the latter…
Love, B. R. Wren