I’ve had a lot of people tell me to see this upcoming week as closure. I really don’t.
I have my divorce hearing on Friday, March 3rd, and I could not be more petrified. I feel like I’m walking the green mile to the electric chair where my body will melt from the inside out and my heart will stop beating.
I have been so overwhelmed with so many emotions, I never know which ones to hold on to — or whether I should be holding on to any of them at all.
I get so angry in moments at how everything has happened, then outrageously morose where I have to unleash my thoughts into my journal, to then suddenly sympathetic because I can’t fathom the person I love doing something so heinous to me, but then the anger comes looming overhead once again because of the truth I had dug up, and then I cry at the confusion and tell myself I should be over this already… it’s just chaos.
I interviewed a female therapist for my YouTube series “How Do We Function?” about stress and how it affects us, hormonally. When we become used to having stress, especially emotional, it becomes addictive. I find myself constantly mulling over every detail of what happened back in October-December, dissecting every single stitch of how this happened, what was said, why it happened and why I should never look back. I can’t shake it. I can’t shake those memories, but then, after speaking to her, I feel I’ve realized that it’s become so addictive to do all of this, to sit with the pain. It’s a fear I have.
I fear forgetting him. I fear letting go of the life that I thought I was going to have. I’m so afraid of being divorced at 28, still sick, never finding what I had with him again. I crumble in my own thoughts of how am I supposed to trust anyone else with my body or my mind, how in this already fragile state can I think about being with someone else. I miss affection greatly, having someone to do things with, “to have and to hold”, but physically become ill thinking that I will HAVE to try and do this with someone else at some point, to open up again.
And it doesn’t stop there. No matter how many people can write me how wonderful they think I am, or inspiring, or beautiful… those are things I don’t feel. I am literally about to be a divorcee with a shitty health condition and no real job. Who honestly wants that mess? Who wants someone who still sheds skin and has red, itchy patches with a red mustache and can’t go out and do adventurous things without having anxiety over catching something or becoming too sweaty or hot or itchy… I am just a set back. I am just this being who would hold someone back. (and please, I don’t say these things for pity, they are just what I, and most likely many TSW sufferers, think about non-stop).
Just praying I can mentally make it through this week.
Love, B. R. Wren