When we are first broken up with or cheated on, most of us are devastated. Then, there is this phase where, out of desperate need for attention, we think that sleeping around will somehow numb the pain. If our ex is doing it already, why can’t we?

Yes, physical touch is wonderful, but sex isn’t the answer. It might seem like it, and you could be craving it because the overwhelming sadness of knowing the person you love is out there sleeping with someone else, but that void is still going to be there in the morning.

Sex when you’re lonely will not cure that loneliness. You’ll have it and then… it’s still there. Sure it might be a fun distraction, but that’s what it is — a distraction. It’s distracting you from what you really need: to heal. And it’s a dangerous distraction. You can get lost in that need, like a drug. If it’s numbing the pain, then you’ll need it consistently. And before you know it, you’re crying in bed, 5 one night stands in wondering why the hell you still don’t feel any better.

When we allow our worth and satisfaction to rely on who will sleep with us, we will be going in the opposite direction of where we need to be heading. Our relationship ended. So, first off, just because it’s over, does not mean we are worthless. Your worth can not be founded on someone else’s love for you. If your partner cheated on you, the other party involved is NOT better than you. You’ll overanalyze and think to yourself What do they have that I don’t? Why does my partner want them more than me? Why is that person better than me? Are they more attractive than me? More fun? Are they better in bed? Stop. You are going to drown yourself. There is no answer to any of those. You can’t compare yourself to another person. And quite frankly, never compare yourself to someone who was willing to be the 3rd party. You have integrity, they don’t. So kick those thoughts to the curb. They will only hinder your healing.

Getting into a relationship right away will also be a huge disservice to yourself. You need time to be alone. Absolutely by yourself. You need to regroup. You owe yourself that, and you owe your next partner that. Do you want to give someone a broken version of yourself? A fragment of who you are? No. Your heart needs a recharge. It’s given so much to another person and most likely is still holding on to that person. Go out, get shitty with your friends, cry watching Crazy, Stupid, Love, but please, please, please, keep your pants on and allow your heart time.

I also know sex can be used as manipulation. You want your ex back. You want them to see what they are missing. I get it. What better way to get their attention than by giving your attention to someone else. We’ve got social media at our fingertips. Why not flaunt that picture you took with the random, hot person at the bar and then write a vague status about having the best night of your life. You want to show as best you can that you are passed your ex and already shacking it up with a new someone. You know it’ll make them curious, perhaps make them think they made a mistake, etc. But, that is a child’s game. Don’t be with someone who only knows your worth under conditional terms. They shouldn’t want to try and get you back just because you’re playing with their emotions. It won’t be real. It’s all superficial lust. So, do yourself the real favor. Give yourself the right time to heal so when you are ready to go out and are actually in a place where you are ok if you do or do not leave with a new number from a bar, that you are doing it for yourself, not because you miss your ex and want to get them back. And if they do try and come crawling back, you’ll have the confidence to know you deserved better and won’t go back to something that is broken.

Moving on is hard. It is so painfully hard sometimes. But don’t search to pause your pain in someone else’s pants. In my opinion, it doesn’t help you move on. It’ll only either magnify your loneliness and longing for your ex, or it will damage your self worth and make you start to lean on sex as a coping mechanism instead of healing and pushing forward.

I believe in you. Steer yourself away from a destructive path.

At least some of us TSW sufferers have a natural sex deterrent (gotta laugh sometimes). Going through this at the moment doesn’t really afford me the option to go out and pick up dudes. So, as much as I hate this condition, it allows me the time to truly reflect and do what I need, day by day, to muddle through the emotions and learn to let go.

Love, B. R. Wren