I had to do something today that I never thought I would have to do. And I cried because I could’t hold it in. It’s these moments in life where you are staring into space wondering how did things get so out of order? Why are they so bad? How did happiness ferment into such bitter heartbreak?
This is just another one of those instances where you aren’t supposed to share this on social media. It’s not happy, it’s not copacetic, and we shouldn’t allow people to see the struggles of real life. But I think that’s a disservice at times. I think too many people scroll through social media and envy everyone else’s life because shit, they must have it all together. Look at how happy their child is; look at all their gym posts; see how clean their house is; look how much fun they are having together… but do you ever see photos of a friend begging the bank for a loan, a child talking back to their father, or an argument being had in the middle of Disney World because mom and dad can’t decide which way to go? No. Because that’s personal business. We are only allowed to show the happy times, the sweet moments of bliss because that’s the image we want to project.
I am ALL for happy posts. I love them and am guilty of posting thousands. But I also kept the sad posts to a minimum. No one wants to see that. We want the blinding portrait of perfection saturating our newsfeed.
But life is messy! Life is not always a ray of sunshine. And sometimes, we need to be reminded of that. We need to say “Here I am, I am a f**king mess right now, I don’t have it all together, I am embracing it, and will grow from it.” I’m not saying it should be a daily occurrence, but I feel if we were just a bit more open and a lot less pursuing to be a hallmark card, perhaps people won’t feel like they are alone, that they don’t need to post an inorganic photograph to show they fit in with the mold. Some people are at better points in their lives than others. Some have it all together and some are barely holding on to the pieces. Some are married with children. Some are still single trying to mingle. And it’s all OK! You are neither behind someone or in front. You are living your life on your own timeline.
So ya, I am nowhere near where I want to be. I am going through a disgusting health condition; I don’t really have a job since my profession is in the athletic world and I can’t actually do it AND don’t even actually know if I ever will again; I’m struggling to raise funds for my documentary; I’m about to get divorced at 28; I live with my cousin; I have a rooftop as a place of solace, and I have absolutely, 100% no clue as to where my life will be by summertime. It would be nice to have a few answers and perhaps either my health or husband back, or maybe a time machine, but that’s not life’s plan for me. That’s not my timeline. And whatever is going on in your life, even if it’s so shitty and you just need a day to cry your eyes out, know it’s not the end.
They say if the only thing you can do is crawl… then start crawling. And that’s what I intend to do. Today was not the best day. It was just a reminder of what my husband did to me. What a nefarious girl did to me. But I can not let it define me. The scar will remain forever, and I know that, but whatever has broken you, be it a death, a divorce, a bully, a health condition, or the stresses of life raging down on you, don’t let it keep you broken. Take the time you need to heal, but don’t allow it to forever keep you down. And don’t think that just because you see everyone else on social media with smiles on their faces, that they have it all together. I guarantee they don’t. Their hearts could be breaking, their bank account could be dwindling, and their families could be dealing with unfathomable obstacles. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Don’t study someone else’s page and get lost thinking their life is better than yours. Focus on your story, on your life. Be as authentic to your growth as you can be. If someone else got an epic promotion, got married, or is having their first child, good on them. Good for their story. Keep on crawling and celebrate the little achievements you make, even if it’s not crying for one whole day! Take it! Soldier on, heal yourself, and work towards the things you want most. Like Tom Hiddleston… if he so happens to be in your timeline.
Love, B. R.