I share much chagrin in these words. I feel defeated, and even foolish, writing them. So, here it is: I am not over my marriage.
It has been exactly one year since I took an 11.5 hour bus ride to him in that hotel room. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like a life that never existed; a well drawn out dream. And we all have our vices — he happens to be mine. The hardest cigarette to put out; the hardest liquor to pour down the drain.
And as coincidences go, a student handed this to me earlier.
Someone had lost it. It looks a bit similar to my engagement ring, one I no longer posses since I was asked to give it back.
There is pain and anger still lingering. There is love and care still lingering. And I fight both. And I absolutely hate admitting it. I should be over this by now. I should be done with hurting, with the past, with allowing some minuscule, average mistress to play a role on my self worth.
What happened, happened, and it’s done. All the decisions that were made, all the truths that were kept, all the bent words that were fed are of past action.
The only person I can blame now for how I feel, is me. It’s my efforts that determine how I see myself and how I am going to move on from this.
For those of us who are begrudging this task, we need to fight for ourselves, to be on our side. Instead of pushing past, we end up punishing ourselves for what happened. We view ourselves through the situation and allow that to make us feel inadequate, as if there is something in us not worth loving, not worth sticking around for, or too hard to love. And we. have. to. stop.
I am fully aware that TSW makes this exponentially harder, but not impossible. It seems semi unrealistic convincing yourself of this since your partner didn’t stay, but we can not treat everyone as if they have already hurt us. I know our trust guard it ultra high and our insecurities won’t just blow away with ease, but give people a chance, whenever you are ready.
Maybe you’d rather wait to get back out into the dating world until after you are more healed. That’s ok. I know that is how I’ve approached the subject. I don’t wish to give someone a half-baked version of myself, but we also need to face the music. We are who we are and it will shine past our personal appearance and where we are on our healing journey. And if you do wait it out, does it get lonely? Of course! Some days will be much easier than others. But that is a choice we have to make in all of this. TSW is sacrifice after sacrifice, but try and see it as a gift. When there is a bad day, grow out of it. Use it as fuel. Let the anger or loss inspire you.
I am completely stuck in my own mire, and I admit it. It’s hard to concede to that fact, but I know a lot of others get stuck, too. We have to be stronger, more resilient, and not allow ourselves to swallow the bullshit lies we feed our minds about not being good enough. We are as good as we make ourselves to be.
Our exes are not withholding us from moving on, we are. Yes, they hurt us, but it’s time to stop letting it suffocate us while hiding behind it. It should no longer control our lives. TSW already does enough of that. Love yourself. Know that what happened to you, whether it’s TSW or a relationship lost, DOES NOT define you. You deserve love.
Love, B. R.