Kick-ball Change

Feels Like Falling

It’s my birthday month this October and I have never felt further away from knowing where to go in life than I do at this moment.

I’m sure that sounds strange to hear from me, but it’s the truth.

I quit my job in June and I got rid of my apartment in June. I left and traveled the UK to find a bit of stability.

I gained a lot, but stability wasn’t it. I ended up with a travel bug bigger than ever and a slightly broken heart (because I’m a hopeless romantic), but that’s not to say that the trip was not life changing. I loved that freedom and the ability to be away. It taught me that I really don’t have a heart for the states. I feel so much more at home in the UK than I do in my home country. The trip also wrapped me in so much beauty. I was able to revel and marvel at things be it history, art, nature, or even just people. And, most of all, it showed me that I should never settle in matters of the heart. I made an unexpected and wonderful connection that resuscitated me. I was reminded of the type of care, comfort, laughter, and love I am looking for in my life. That I can not settle for less than I deserve.

I also finished the first draft of a memoir I’ve been wishing to write for years now. I wrote most of it over the summer and just finished it this past Sunday. You’d think I’d be elated… but I’m petrified.

At first, I thought I wanted to see if an agent would pick it up. Ha! OMGGGG the process to finding an agent is over-freaking-whelming. I spent all day just scoping out 15 agencies with 15 agents who might be interested in my memoir. Then, each one of them requires something different for me to turn in. However, the one thing that seems to be in common is the book proposal. It is the lengthiest thing I have ever seen. I did a rough draft of it over the summer but it DEFINITELY will not suffice.

So I’m contemplating self-publishing. I’ll need an editor (more money to dish out), but perhaps it will be better for me, in the long run, to have it in my own hands. We shall see. If I get through the grueling proposal process, I’ll let you know.

Then, once back in the states, I needed to buckle down and figure out what the hell I am going to do for work. What am I good at? Well, I love advocacy work, so I definitely want to do something there. I also love to write. I have the ability to make videos (though amateur, unless I count the documentary in a sense). I know how to dance but my hip is still an issue.

Do you see where my anxiety stems? At my age, people already have solid careers and I am over here floundering.

One thing I did do was enter into a copywriting course/program. It’s another overwhelming thing in my life. It was expensive, for one, and though I know I could be great at it, right now my life’s traumas are taking over my mind, making it hard to concentrate. But I’m doing my best.

I think that’s what we are all doing. Just doing our best. My best right now, though, feels like falling.

I’m living from house to house (no set place). I’m trying to learn a new skill. I am trying to stay relevant in the TSW/eczema world. I have no romantic prospect/feel heartbroken. I have no steady form of income. Oh, and I also started Dupixent (the biologic drug for eczema).

I sound like a real winner ya’ll.

But, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that as scared, lonely, and out of my comfort zone as I am, I know that I will be okay. It doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but I know I will be. Instead of focusing on all the things I’m juggling, I need to tackle only a few things per day and call it a success instead of beating myself up. I am now 7.5 years into TSW and what I have endured over those years has been rough. Knowing when to show myself grace is key in all of my healing. I took a teaching job, not because I loved it, but because I had to survive. I did it for 5 years and as each year passed it killed me more and more. I couldn’t do it another year, not to my body and not to my soul.

So, yeah, maybe I am a hot mess at the moment and maybe I am not as on track as others my age, but I have lived an extremely different life than others and should be proud of that (ha, me trying to pep myself up).

Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other. I aspire to be a great copywriter, allowing me the freedom to travel and write wherever I please. I aspire to be an advocate, raising my voice on any platform I can get my hands on. I aspire to live somewhere that makes me feel whole. I aspire to be loved deeply by a partner who sees me for who I am and cherishes me for it. And I aspire to be an author, whether that is traditionally published or self-published.

I just can’t do it all at once. Slow and steady, Bri.

Love to you all. Thanks for being here while I tackle this crazy ride of life.

And if you need a copy writer or some film editing… hit me up!

Love, Bri

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