Tomorrow is Christmas, so I wanted to be a day early. It will be a packed celebratory time with family and friends tomorrow (which I hope I make it through!). Lots of driving, gifts, and hugs to be had.
My energy, especially since beginning a work out regimen at the beginning of December, has actually decreased. My body just physically isn’t able to function through a whole day if it is constantly busy. I mean, just yesterday I had to take a 30 minute nap at 6:30pm if I was going to make it to 10pm. I didn’t want to go to bed THAT early. TSW makes me feel that much more geriatric. I wish I was more like Dwayne Johnson, living high on 18 hour days. How he wakes up at 4am to do workouts, then meetings, interviews, travel, shootings, AND family time all before 10pm — whew! I need 7-8 hours of sleep a day AND a nap if it gets too crazy for me. I never get used to this “un-productiveness” that accompanies TSW, but we work with it!
As I mentioned I started working out again. Though my energy is down on days, I am SO happy I am doing this for myself. I knew December was going to bring it’s rollercoaster of emotions and I wanted to make sure I had a plan to focus on two important things — the documentary and my mental strength. Well, nothing makes me mentally feel more strength than working on myself physically. I will never forget the empowerment I felt at my old gym in Gainesville, Fl (F2 Arena and Darkside Athletics). That first difficult workout, first punch on a bag, first arm bar… man, it makes you feel invincible. You’re not just growing muscles but confidence. It’s addicting after a while. It’s therapy and physical molding all in one. So, even though I can’t go FULL THROTTLE like I used to, I am doing my best in our garage. I bought some equipment, my cousin put up a pull up station, and I am SET. Not going to lie, the sweat BURNNNNNSSSS. Uh, does it burn. I don’t think it’s been doing my skin any favors either but, honestly, being able to work out has helped me emotionally this month. If the skin suffers a bit, it suffers.
Money has also been a precarious subject this past month. With hardly any work at the school, the two week break, and Christmas shopping… no bueno. Also, at the end of November, I had to go into Urgent Care since my skin was not doing well. Guess how much my sh***y insurance made me pay?… $184. For a ridiculous visit!? I was hesitant to even glance at my credit card payments in early December. I bit the bullet though, sadly, and took a government subsidy to help me pay for another health insurance plan. Not sure how long it will last with all the changes being made, but I am grateful to not have to pay $248 a month now for the WORST coverage ever that I couldn’t even afford.
Other than that, not much to report. Saw Star Wars and The Greatest Showman. I will always love Star Wars, but The Greatest Showman touched my heart hugely. It reminded me of how much performing lives in my veins. “This Is Me” is such a beautiful, powerful song for people who have had obstacles in their way and won’t apologize for who they are. I even think they are doing a contest now of some sort and I’m going to see if I can enter a video for it. Even if it’s just a showcase of #ThisIsMe for social media, I want to do it. So inspiring xx
Workout Time
Face
Hair
Arms/Wrists/Neck
I love you all! Enjoy this holiday season!!!!
Love, B. R. Banos
Found in Reverie 
Hi,
I’am not sure if you ever received this question, but what makes you so sure that you are still going through TSW and not have normal eczema by now? I kind of having a feeling in my gut that you got asked that question like a hundred times, but I’am not sure xD
But whatever it is, I’am kind of in the same boat as you. I have normal moderate eczema, trying to fix this since 3 years or something. I have read that you dont really get through the day with 7 hours of sleep. I have to say that I would then look like total horseshit and I would rather twist my neck than sleeping only 7 hours (or rather laying in bed for 7 hours). To get through the day I sleep like 10 hours. What I want to say: To hear on what my body tells me improved my eczema quite a bit. I sleep how much I want (I’am a student, so thats kind of possible luckily), drink how much I want (I kind of went passed that stage of drinking massively water, since all it did was that I needed to piss a lot), eat when I want (I never eat breakfast), etc. By now I’am experiencing how diet effects digestion (I feel like the more often I can poop, the better my eczema gets).
Just some input for you. Its really fucking annoying and such a waste of time to get through this. But without perfect health we are N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
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To answer the top bit, this is definitely not eczema. My skin was never this bad before steroids. If you have not gone through TSW, then perhaps its hard to relate, but what my body is still going through is not normal eczema. I am very much still battling through my withdrawal.
I also listen to my body as much as I can. And life is harder without perfect health, but I dont agree that life is nothing without it. I cherish the good moments I do get.
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Hi,
I can only speak from myself but when I was like 16 years old and my eczema started to break out, it got worse and worse and worse over time, without ever touching steroids or ANY other drugs. My face had probably looked as shitty as yours in your early stages of TSW (bad oozing, couldnt open mouth etc.). Just to clarify, that its really possible to have really bad eczema that gets even worse over time without ever taking topical steroids (not even as a baby according to my parents).
Just to make you hope that even if you are one of the unlucky ones who dont have 95% nice skin after TSW, its still very possible to heal your normal eczema. There are tons and tons of people who managed to heal their normal eczema, and even I managed to get after 3 years of trial-and-error to a stage of “moderate” eczema, starting from a complete disaster. I’am at the stage where my skin is probably double as good as yours I would say, with only having eczema at hand-wrists, face, scalp, everything else is picobello.
What I’am trying to say is: Even if your condition stagnates from now on and you have to kind of think that you are dealing with normal eczema, its not the end of the world. Tons of people out there who cured their eczema .
Good luck!
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Oops, that should have been a reply to your comment xD
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Hi briana
I have recently re discovered your blog and have always followed your youtube closely . We have messaged before as we are on almost exactly the same timeline of tsw. Ive just passed the 3 year mark and am 6 weeks into a massive flare. The worst ive ever had as it is is more widespread and has been more painful than ive ever experienced. I have enjoyed months and months over the past 2 years with mostly minimal flares ir very quick ones. This has put me back to feeling like its month 1, all symptoms reappearing as if totally new. I have not been to the gym in 6 weeks because of this and missed time off work. I have screamed into my pillow in pain and dispear. I used steroids for 3 years (nonstop on face esp. Eyes) so i have been withdrawing now longer than i used. Ive started to doubt the process at times but then have found the strenght to defend it to others. I dont know anymore i just know i have got through a flare before and had a “normal ” life for the majority if time. Just hoping this ends soon as 3 years seems so unfair. Sorry for the long rant just having problems finding many people publicly online still flaring 3 years in.
Again sorry for thr long post. Thanks for your positive energy even when your struggling yourself.
Sophie xxx
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Just seeing this one, Sophie, I apologize! I know it can be so exhausting and excruciating. =( I wish I could take all of our pain away. I’m working on the doc as we speak and hopefully it will generate some noise for us!
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